It Only Matters How You Deal With It

The death of a child, no matter what the age is devastating to a family. Mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, and grandparents can grieve uncontrollably for the loss of a young member of their family. We all have to deal with, and face death at some point in our lives. These experiences help shape who we are for years. Some people grow old, cynical and bitter while others transform their lives trying to seek answers to questions we all ask at one time or another. There are groups that help individuals and families deal with tragedies. Some people think that it is a sign of weakness to need help after a death occurs. After all everybody has to deal with death so why does it feel so devastating?

"Why am I so angry with everyone, including God and the person that died?" These are normal responses to death, and yet society is not educated in these areas of life. Many people do not feel comfortable talking about death. In this day and age every other subject is talked about at great length, but death is still an uncomfortable topic. Maybe it is too close for comfort, or maybe we as humans fee awkward because we have no control over the death of a loved one - no matter how they died. In some parts of the country there are classes that educate children and college students about death in our culture and in other cultures. This, however, is rare. Many people are well meaning, but they put unnecessary pressure on grieving families to "get on with their lives" after a very short time, regardless of the feelings these people have.

We all heal at different rates, but there is a general grief process that everyone goes through. The time we take at each stage is completely up to each person. Grief is a natural part of the human experience. The first stage of this process is experiencing disbelief, numbness and shock. Our psyches cannot fathom death and so it is important to participate in a ritual to experience closure. Everyone connected to the deceased individual needs to be able to participate in a funeral or memorial service or any kind of celebration for the individual if they chose to do so.

All cultures have a ritual to send their loved ones on deaths' journey and this cannot be denied. Usually the next step is denial. Somehow we "forget" the person we loved really died. A common symptom of this step is going to the phone to call the loved one and realize that they aren't there. This causes an influx of powerful emotions. These feelings lead to the expression of the emotions that are spinning around inside. Anger simmers under the surface. Many get stuck at this stage and can't move on. They are angry at the doctor, or the person who was responsible somehow for their loved one's death. The next common phase is guilt. The intensity of this stage varies with circumstances of the people involved. If the relationship was filled with unresolved issues, this stage can be one of the hardest to go through. Under the best conditions people feel guilt over what they did or didn't do when the person was alive.

Depression sets in and people become isolated, lonely, often times ill due to unresolved grief. Sometimes people get stuck in the grief process, and put that negativity in their bodies unknowingly. They resist normal activities. Everyone has gone on except for them. Often times they can't, other times they don't want to. The irrational fear that they will forget their loved one keeps them isolated. Depending on the personality of the person going through the bereavement process, anxiety and panic attacks can set in as they try to resolve the issues around death. They often experience despair. While they try to make sense of death, they experience confusion, and disorientation.

Slowly, most people start to hope that life will get better eventually. They start to recover. A significant grief experience creates a new person. They have developed a different way of looking at life as the result of what they lived through. We all need to be kinder not only to each other, but to ourselves. Death is a part of life. There is an old saying, "It doesn't matter what happens to you, it only matters how you deal with it."

~Patricia Rose Upczak