When those twin engines of rumor and disinformation, the internet and talk radio, cranked out a chain reaction of alarm and indignation at Boulder's shocking "ban" on American flags in the public library, a couple of thousand poorly informed busybodies across the entire country took the time to give Boulder officials something they couldn't really spare: a piece of their mind. E-mail has immensely speeded up the process of making a fool of oneself, allowing the foot to be placed straight into the mouth in a fraction of the time formerly required. Chief Busybody was Chuck Muth, (chuckmuth@earthlink.net) editor of an e-mail service called "GOP News and Views," (why not "The Muthman Prophecies"?) who ranted that he'd "once again flushed out and exposed a cabal of left-wing loonies, hit them with truth, justice and the American way and sent them scurrying back into the darkness." It must undoubtedly have been windbags like Muth who annoyed Ambrose Bierce into calling patriotism "combustible rubbish ready for the torch of anyone ambitious to illuminate his name."

But thanks, anyway! We needed that, Chuck! In relief and gratitude for —just when we were starting to think our own fellow Boulderian citizens might be a wee bit foolish— well, for showing us the real delusions-of-grandeur article. For your valiant contributions to absurdity, it is with relief and gratitude Mondo Boulder awards right wing loony Chuck Muth and all his electronic busybodies the coveted Dilly! Say "Shazam!", spin around the internet three times, and look in the mirror over your right shoulder! You're lookin' at a Dilly!

It would seem that someone with the awesome governmental resources of a United States senator at his disposal would be able to quickly discover that there are 9 flagpoles flying American flags between the Municipal building and the Boulder Public Library, plus one right outside the entrance. But Colorado Sen Ben High-horse Campbell was in a rush to prove he could get his foot into his mouth just as fast as any average Joe, and the Senator precipitously and high-horsedly shot off a flag and a huffy letter to Boulder officials. But Biker Ben, an admirer of those authentic American heroes, the Hell's Angels, didn't make his reputation on subtlety and good taste, anyway.

Here is a man who has painted his Harley in garish representation of a US flag, and consequently cruises with his posterior glued to the Proud Symbol Of Our Nation. If it has ever occurred to the Wild One that there may be many loyal Americans who find this tacky and disrespectful, it probably matters to him about as much as his opinions do to the average Boulderian. But Biker Ben's political posturing did inspire El Dildo! so we are indebted to him as the father of these very solemn orgies. Senator, it is with relief and gratitude Mondo Boulder honors you with the title Founding Dilly! of Boulderia. Say "Shazam!", take three spins around the Capitol building, and look in the mirror! You're lookin' at a real Dilly!

But Rep Tom Tancredo managed to out-patriotism even his Congressional colleague. Tancredo was equally in the dark about the true extent of municipal flag flying in Boulder, and rushed to introduce a bill that would deny federal funds to any public building, especially a strategically important one like a library, that refused to display the red, white and blue. While Rep Tancredo admitted knowing his frivolous bill stood zero chance of passage, he appeared unaware that the Boulder Public Library receives no federal funds and would be unaffected even if the country went totally nutso and the bill passed. Rep Tancredo, it is with relief and gratitude Mondo Boulder enjoins you to Say "Shazam!", spin around in committee three times, and look in the mirror! You're lookin' at an official Dilly!

Boulderia was not to be completely outshone by out of town patriots, however. Jonathan Sawyer, Nancy Minardi and Stephen Maleville, all employees of Boulder's Free Wave Technologies, rushed to the library where, in a truly amazing coincidence they met a reporter and a photographer from the Daily Camera who duly recorded them taping up flags over the entrance. If the trio were aware that affixing Old Glory with tape is considered tacky flag etiquette, they didn't let it interfere with a photo op. It is with relief and gratitude Mondo Boulder recognizes the contribution of the Free Wave Three in showing that Boulderia isn't just a cabal of left-wing loonies, but has citizens who will join El Dildo! and Chuck Muth in standing up for the American traditions of jingoism and forced conformity. Say "Shazam!", spin around the flag pole three times, and look in the mirror! You're lookin' at some real Dillies!

Plus, a special award to that Woman of Lafayette who threatened to stop shopping in Boulder. Say "Shazam!", take three spins around FlatIron Crossing, and look in the mirror! You're lookin' at a real Dilly!

And this wasn't even Boulderia's only flag flap! An earlier refusal by Boulderia's leaders to fly the Tibetan flag failed to inflame Muthman and his followers.